i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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