I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
