If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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