Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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