Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
