After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
