I wish my penis had an off switch
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
