My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
honey bunches of taint.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
