You can't motorboat a personality
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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