I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Vodka?
Forever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
