do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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