from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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