Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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