Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
