I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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