So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
time to smoke my breakfast
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
