4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
