Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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