can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
