Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
