Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
