We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
