yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
