does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
