I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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