you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
