I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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