i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
