I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
