every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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