no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
