I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
