Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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