I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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