Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
