someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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