Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
