The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
