i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
