I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
