Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
