I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
