I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
