I am in a vortex of obligation.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize