Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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