I'm going to jail i love you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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