I'm going to jail i love you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
