i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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