Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
