I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
