she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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