i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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