I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
