My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
