bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
