you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
