I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
