There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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