At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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